A Garda Dilemma by Christy Parker
by Christy Parker
A bloke that I knew got caught in the act
Interfering with a squad car, was what ’twas in fact.
Interfering in a manner that was virtuously wrong
He said ’twas the blue light on the top turned him on…
To further compound the man’s situation
The alluring white car was parked outside the station
And fifteen moral guardians were fast on the scene
To arrest his attempt to molest their machine.
They frog-marched him inside, then sat down to discuss
How best they would punish his deviant lust,
A variety of cops were there at the table
Some angry, some grim, some quit dim…some unstable
First Scary Cop said, with a Jack Nicholson smile,
“We could knock up a spit and roast him awhile”
Then Sadist Cop pointed to a power point and said,
“Let’s wire him to that for a few hours instead!”
But Kinky Cop feared that “he’d relish the thrill”
“And there’s the matter”, said Tight Cop “of the electricity bill”
“Ah lads”, spoke up Kind Cop, “we’re being a bit harsh”
“Besht thing”, slobbered Drunk Cop, “ish to pickle his arshe”
Vain Cop suggested they chop off his hair
“Why don’t we”, said Smelly Cop, “deprive him of air?”
So someone proposed Fat Cop sit on his face
“Would you mind”, inquired Gay Cop, “if I took Fat Cop’s place?”
“Why?”, piped up Girl Cop, “can’t I deal with the pest?
“I’ll soon put him off squad cars and sex!”
Then Angry Cop roared, “If the perv wants romance,
I’ll put him in touch with a fine ambulance!!”
“I have it…,” said Dim Cop, “let the prisoner decide!”
“Take his clothes”, piped up Sly Cop, “and put them a-hide!”
“Lets starve him”, said Thin Cop, “Until he disappears”
“Nothing works”, complained Sad Cop, as he broke down in tears
Then Normal Cop asked, “Why change our old style?
“Can’t we just hop his head off the wall for awhile?”
“We could free him”, said Bent Cop, “if he’s willing to pay…”
“Now, now”, warned Straight Cop, “Lets not go astray”
Holy Cop said they should pray for direction
Razor Cop prayed and then said, “Vivisection!”
Horsey Cop too wanted some form of gelding
And Foxer Cop offered to assist with some welding
But no solution was found by which they all could abide
So the matter was left to Wise Cop to decide
He thought for awhile then he said, “I decree
“That the perverted prisoner be allowed to go free
“Now we may have to mount a guard on the squad
To prevent our friend here from
He’s dangerous to cars and he could damage a bus
But we must never forget -he’s still one of us!!”
Taken from ‘Don’t Step In The Poems‘, a collection of verse by Christy Parker with illustrations by Paul Daly and Mary Gregoriy. Available locally, €9.95
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