OBAMA’S INAUGURATION SPEECH By Christy Parker

My fellow Afri….er, Americans,
I thank Youghal for being here tonight on this historic occasion for our great nation and for each and every one of its citizens, whether rich or recently unemployed, fat or emaciated from hardship, young or worried about liquidated pension, black or sort of brownish. (Spontaneous applause as rehearsed)

Tonight is a time for optimism and looking forward but just for a moment let me look back and acknowledge my ancestors who, as you all know, many years ago fled the jungles and rain forests of darkest Offaly. I speak especially of my great-great-great-great-great-great-grand uncle Birrack O’Bama and his wife Biffo -both sadly no longer with us- who bore nothing more than the loser’s hurling jersey on their back when taking those first desperate steps on the long and hazardous journey that brings me before you today. (Wilder applause plus piercing whistles and ‘hup yaladja’s from invited Offaly clan at the back of the hall). Go raibh mile maith agat Offaly!!! (Thunderous hollers from rear of auditorium and mysterious Irish priest in mini-skirt attempts a jig before being shot dead by security guards). As you all know, our world faces difficult times, going forward. We have dozens of wars, thousands of terrorists want to kill us, nuclear weapons are being built to destroy the planet as we speak.

We have widespread starvation and rocketing murder rates in every corner of the planet. We have spiralling crime and drugs problems. It cannot be long before another flu endemic of some sort kills millions, unless the rapidly accelerating climate change floods the planet and then freezes it over beforehand. And we even have light bulbs, as a very wise Irish politician has pointed out, slowly murdering us in every room of our own homes!! (Loud gasps and a chilling scream. A tall Texan shoots out half the lights before he too is shot dead).
But I say, have no fear! For I have a plan. And it is called Hope. And I believe that this Hope, when married to our Dreams -just like Birrack and Biffo were long ago in Offaly- will deliver us too, to the Promised Land! (Thumps the air as everyone stampedes for the exits.) Come back Youghal, I say come back here; I got four more years…! (Grabs wife from Bill Clinton and runs towards the exits -end of first hour of Presidency).