CHRISTY PARKER believes the hen is mightier then the sword as he plots to poach an election seat.

I recall the precise moment when the Eureka! moment hit home. I was watching St. Christopher of Cooney lead a triumphant cavalcade in celebration of his ascendancy to the highest sporting office on earth (or anywhere, according to local disciples). As the GAA President waved pontifically to the adoring kerbside people gingerly sidestepping dog litter on that early Sunday evening, I thought, “I can do that!”

Not that I want to be head of the GAA (not presently anyway) or even spearhead a convoy through town (that can wait too). No, I want to emulate my namesake in spirit. I to can aspire to greatness. I can be a leader. I can fuse, like scaffold poles, my talents, my dreams, my endeavours, my wisdom, my convictions, my evolving philosophies and even my love for my town, into towering triumph. I can scale the summits of great ambition. I can win. “Yes,” I resolved as I watched the man from the Mall negotiate Cork Hill corner towards Club Aras, “I will run for the Council!”
 As sure as eggs
Symbolism is everything in politics and I am acutely aware of the merits of a potent logo-cum-slogan to serve my campaign. To my great relief it came easily at noon last Wednesday as I was having breakfast. I believe it was Divine intervention that decided me to dine on a boiled egg. I found myself reflecting on the hard, binding exterior that masked a soft, nurturing centre, ironically encased in yolk, which is eerily phonetic for Yolk-aill or Youghal. It was like looking in a mirror. That egg represented my entire political persona -indeed my very entirety. “Destiny is with me,” I thought as I poured salt on my dream. My slogan, you will agree, is appropriately tasty and promising: “Let’s get cracking!”

So much for laying the plot; ahead lies the scramble for success. There is much work to be done if we are to prevent a return to the bad old days of sharing shoes between neighbouring households and stealing bookies’ dockets for toilet paper.

Up the walls I intend beginning with the town walls. Once elected, I will work tirelessly to ensure they are finished. Credit to the 13th century contractors for getting so far before the recession of 1276 shut down the building trade, but its time the project was completed. My strategy will see the town completely enclosed from Moll Goggin’s Corner (if its still there) to Rhincrew and a toll of €10 for every non-Youghalie to enter (perhaps €12 for Waterford people because they tend to leave a mess behind.) Departing the town will cost €20, thus encouraging visitors to stay longer and consequently spend more. I have been assured by one Youghal builder that he will “look after my requirements,” should the tender fall his way, so the matter is already well advanced.
I have long noticed a terrible imbalance in our heritage sector, with most of our older edifices crumbling near the town centre. This is unfair on the Strand people, who suffer severe malnourishment during winters and bad summers. I will lobby to have the Clock Gate transferred to Claycastle car park where, besides being a cultural magnet, it will be opened as changing area for bathers. Locals will also find sanctuary in its higher echelons during the annual winter flooding season. I made this initiative known to Environment Minister Gormley during his recent visit and he assured me he “isn’t against anything.”
Come fly with me
Staying with the Strand, I strongly advocate abandoning any foolish notions of re-opening the train station. Trains to Youghal are so 1960′s! Let’s demolish the damn thing and install an airport! If we want to compete with the Corfu’s, Ibiza’s and Lanzarote’s of this world we have to dig deep while looking up. Once the people of McCurtainstown are re-housed -in the Clock Gate if necessary- and CIE are made clear the weeds, I harbour no doubts whatsoever that commuters will spurn Midleton’s snail technology railway for the futuristic attraction of Youghal International Airport.
Given the immense increase in population and commerce that even these basic initiatives will spawn, we must urgently address the problem of traffic management on our footpaths. Every day we witness people colliding with each other and even having to step onto the roadway, as they go about their business. It is obvious that the two-way pedestrian system isn’t working. A vote for me is a vote for one-way footpaths and a guarantee to get to your home, pub, bookies, dole office, etc., early.
To augment this radical change to pedestrian management I will call for the ban on people using mobile phones whilst pushing wheeled vehicles such as prams, shopping trolleys, wheelbarrows, etc. It is simply mot possible be in full control of such carriers while negotiating trivia ‘on wire’ to a third party. I’m told the townspeople are laden with bruises. The ban will apply indoors and without.

While commerce and prosperity is important, let us not exfoliate recreation from our lives. That is why a new playground regime must be installed. When opened, the place is full of kids! Adults scarcely get room or time for even a token sojourn on the green slide before being pushed aside. All that’s usually left is a swing or venturing next door to poke the solitary goldfish with a stick. I will strive to have separate opening times for parents and children at Greencloyne. Let them watch us having fun for a change!
Youghal uncorked
I have been quite amused at the efforts to alleviate the foul odours from the landfill. This stench has now become so globally synonymous with Youghal that far from regarding as an embarrassing liability we must embrace it’s potential. On election to office I will seek to establish a smell bottling plant at the adjacent, under-used industrial estate. The strength of these odours is that they travel fast and linger well. A tourist, on uncorking the fragrance to be known as ‘Eau the Foxheil’ in the environs of their native homesteads, will instantly alert their entire neighbourhood -and town- of the existence of Youghal. The initial impression may be one of alarm but, as we know, the smell grows on one. All we need is the bottle to do it, so to speak.
These are but some of the exciting portfolios I will place before the electorate before June 5th. I needn’t add of course that many of my rival candidates will attempt to spike my campaign once they appreciate the inevitability of my success. Already there are rumours of closing the landfill and depositing waste into the town’s potholes instead. I ask the people of Youghal to bear with me. Remember the egg. It takes only three minutes to give me your Number 1. Move over Christy Cooney. I remain, your humble servant, C. Parker ( Throwa Party)